Symptoms of depression #3: self-loathing

(Peanuts, 1955)

If you have been depressed before, chances are that you have been through this: your friend broke up with you because he feels you "nag too much"; your grades have been falling because you can't (or don't want to) study; you lost your job because you aren't "good enough". And it is all your fault.

Is it?

This feeling of blaming yourself for all of the bad things that happen to you is called self-loathing. It is interesting in the sense that it can either be a trigger of depression or a symptom of depression itself. When you express this hatred torwards yourself, you never considered the possibility that your friend may be a bad listener; that the subject you're having trouble with is too boring or too difficult, or that your teacher may have a problem presenting the content; or that was your boss that was setting unrealistic goals.

Self-loathing may be caused by a number of reasons, from environmental (parents raising their children as if they were guilty of their bad marriage; a highly competitive environment that stresses you out, or prejudice from society if you are from a minority group). They can also be biological (depression itself), or a mix of both things.

That being said, is it wrong to feel bad for a mistake you made? No. But this certainly cannot last forever, either. And if you start blaming yourself for just about everything, then you have to consider the possibility that either it's not just you that are making mistakes or that you haven't made a mistake at all.

Think again: Is it really your fault things are the way they are?

Symptoms of depression #2: low self-esteem

Tuesday, 6:00 AM. "Wake up!", my mother shouts. I know I should be there, attending college. But I don't go. I go back to sleep, because I feel so hopeless about college. "The choice I made about the college I should attend to was simply wrong", I think to myself. "What is the point of continuing graduating in a course that will lead me nowhere?".

But during all my life, things have been this way. The only two things I felt really happy with most of the time were with English and computers. But I felt I had to quit computer science. I felt was not good enough to learn math – computer science requires this – as I had a hard time with it since high-school. Of course, my anxiousness on IRC chatrooms and the innerent arrogance of many coders didn't help my self-esteem either. It's not like most people care.

I guess this all started with my parents. I was either by my mother told I was a genius, when I was bullied due to my poor social kills, or a lazy bum that would have no future.

This all seem like child's play. But this child never recovered. I developed a fragile personality that is very insecure and I need approval and motivation all the time, and if I don't I get horribly depressed. I never managed to get a stable job. When something very nice knocks on my door, I feel terrified to get it done. I feel like I'm being ripped off in some way, and I could do better things with my time, or that I can't complete the job.

What about you, dear readers? Feel free to share your statistics, facts and your stories about self-esteem here. Did you recover?

Symptom of depression #1: nothing is good enough.

This is me. I am trying to write about depression. When I write, I don't like to think I am writing. I like to think I'm doing something else. This time, I like to think I am sculpting. And I decided to start by the body of the text.

To start my sculpting, I decided I wanted to listen to an incorporeal sculpture: music. Yes, I feel music is, in itself, a sculpture. It requires building, composing, throwing away. I decided then to listen to Coldplay's sculpting so I can orchestrate my post. But I can't. There are no (working) radios around to listen to.

After building frustration, I have to make do with iTunes' ambient radio.

Then the pen. I feel starting to write using a computer is distracting, so I start with pen and paper. And the torture starts again: my chisel is too dull and I can do nothing to start building my sculpture. I get another pen, and it works just too well: I see blotches on the paper all around.

Writing feels like torture now: the body of the text is disfigured.

I start to wonder: "should I break my model, like a crazy artist and start over?" I decide that if I start over, I'll start over and over again. This is already the third time I do it.

The truth is, I wanted the text of my body to look like Michelangelo's work. The second model was close to an 8-year-old's school model. This one is much better, but it isn't talking about depression as I wanted it to.

The tought that things haven't been "good enough" has haunted for over 20 years. Everything, from college to writing, doesn't seem "good enough", and it becomes a horrible torture. I know these toughts are unrealistic: some pieces of my work don't meet certain standards, some pieces of it do, and some are better than expected. But I can't help not to feel different. And the cycle goes on and on: I can't tolerate the stress of not being good enough, so I don't do my daily goals, and I feel I'm not good enough because I haven't accomplished my daily goals.

What about you, dear reader? Have you ever been through this?

When you're on the edge... think.

Do you have horrible personality traits, like being too impulsive, or poor socialization skills? Do you feel you so annoying or manipulative that you feel nobody likes you?

I don't believe there are good answers to this question. However, I want to give myself some hope – and our readers – if there's still any. This blog will mainly focus on loneliness, and I'm going to start by the end: suicide.


Did you ever think of giving up living, and that your life is hopeless?


You are not alone. In US alone, World Health Organization's research, in 2008, found out that 17% of all the deaths of men and 4.5% of the deaths of women were due to suicide.

I have myself considered this many times in my life.

• Do we have the right to end our lives if we feel we are hopeless?
• Is it worth it? To end it all?
• If so, what about our family? Is it right to leave them down, particularly if someone needs us?
  

I'm an atheist myself, and I don't believe there is a good answer to all these questions. But I hope I will give you hope if I can, and that I'll give myself hope. Or at least something to think of.